Rosalie's Diary
by erilau24
Summary: Rosalie chooses to begin a diary after years of built up anger, and gives us a closer look into the lives of the Cullens.
1. My First Entry

Dearest Diary,

Well, after so many years of ugly people getting on my every last nerve, I decided to try to take some of my anger and put it into writing - instead of another hole in Esme's wall. I do apologize for that again, by the way. Even though it was Emmett's fault- he knew that putting 'fake poo' on the seats of my BMW would provoke me in some way. I still don't see what's so amusing to him about it.

Like today- Emmett thought it would be funny to teach Renesmee how to play practical jokes. First, he put super glue on poor Carlisle's chair so that when he sat down and tried to get up again, they'd rip right off like a pair of those pants that basketball players wear. Well, it worked, and now Alice is furious because she always said those were 'the perfect pants' for Carlisle. She had bought them way back in the early years of Bloomingdale's and couldn't wait to give them to him.

But now Emmett is paying the price, because Alice predicts "karma will bite him in his granite-white ass". He's constantly paranoid since he doesn't know when it's coming and I have to say, THAT in itself, is a rather amusing thing to watch.

Speaking of watching things, that reminds me- I need another mirror for our bathroom. The three in there already just don't do me justice.

I will let you know how this situation with Alice and Emmett turns out. Until then….

Yours truly,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale

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**Author's Note:** Thanks to everyone who has decided to read this. This is my first time ever uploading any sort of writing material, so don't be too harsh, but i wouldn't mind some constructive criticism. Again, thanks for reading and enjoy!


	2. Karma

Dearest Diary,

Well, Emmett got what he had coming to him. What Alice had prophesized had come true.  
"Karma will bite you in your granite-white ass", she had said.  
And a week later, it happened- literally.

There's a new family that just moved into town and with them, they brought the family pet – Karma. Of course Alice knew exactly what she meant when she had said those words, and knew precisely when and where this event would occur. So, she convinced Emmett to go to the field to 'practice' their pitching. Alice had timed it perfectly so that Karma would just be wandering up to the tree line that surrounded the field, and kept Emmett distracted. Next thing he knew, there was a Great Dane hanging off the tail of his baseball shirt. Karma was quite impressive- she clamped her jaw firm and held her place +as Emmett, resembling a headless cockroach, tried to run around the field- hoping to shake her off without hurting her.

The rest of my family was in absolute hysterics when they heard what had happened. I just sat on the couch and shook my head. I love my husband dearly, but he should really think about what his nonsensical thinking could lead to.

Oh well. Until next time…

Yours Truly,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale


	3. Renesmee

Dearest Diary,

Today Emmett took me on a 'date' to the European Film Festival. We saw 'Ca Brule' which translates to 'On Fire' in English. I enjoyed the fact that it was a French indie film, it was a nice change, but the movie itself was odd and not at all what I'd expected.

We had some time before the movie had started, so Emmett took me to this nice clothing store and let me go crazy. He even stuck around and paid for me like a gentleman- which surprised me because he's usually prone to wandering off and finding the first toy store he sees, just so he can check out the new stuff they got in. He's such a big kid.  
Although, today he was extra excited because we actually had a good reason to go in. Today is Renesmee's birthday. And naturally, my beautiful little niece would be super spoiled by her favorite (and drop-dead gorgeous) aunt. Emmett and I went about the toy store looking for things we thought she'd enjoy, but ultimately we decided that she was way too smart for things like Barbie's and building blocks. But just as when we were going to walk out the door, something caught my eye- it was a shiny, cherry-red, mini BMW M3 convertible. I almost forgot about my surroundings and was about to dash full-speed to grab it off the highest shelf, but Emmett saw what I wanted and beat me to it. "It's perfect!" he'd said, mocking my thoughts. I caught the first sales person I saw and asked them to ring it up and load it in Emmett's Jeep, (knowing full well either of us could've easily done it ourselves).

I'll never forget the look on Nessie's face as she unwrapped her giant gift. Her cheeks blushed with the most beautiful shade of pink and she gleamed at it with a devious little smile. She jumped in the seat and squealed with excitement. She motioned for me to bend down towards her and softly touched me face. "Thank you, Aunt Rosalie," she said, "it's absolutely perfect."  
Edward, of course, looked uneasy, but Alice assured him that Nessie would be completely safe in it since it included a seatbelt and, unfortunately, couldn't go above 5 MPH. That will soon be fixed, though. Speaking of which…

Until next time.

Yours Truly,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale


	4. The Alabaster Joke Master

Dearest Diary,

Finally, after years of watching Emmett play practical joke after practical joke, Jasper got fed up with it. He slammed his hands down, nearly breaking Esme's table. "What is that makes Emmett so damn insane?!"  
"Jasper!" Esme scolded in return.  
Emmett had been out hunting with Carlisle for the weekend and the rest of us, including Bella, were sitting around the dining room table.

"Well, I'd like to know," he said. "In fact, I'd like to see for myself."  
Alice immediately stiffened, her eyes wide. Edward read her mind, stood up, and hastily grabbed Bella. "It's time to go," was all he said, and it seemed Bella understood.  
Esme and I just stared at Alice, waiting for her to move.  
"I'm declaring myself Emmett for the day!" affirmed Jasper.

Alice finally moved, slamming her head in her hands, and as if remembering something, suddenly stood and dashed upstairs. I heard things rustling in the closet of the room that belonged to her and Jasper, then came two loud ripping sounds. I looked at Esme and ran upstairs. Alice had pulled out a roll of duct tape, and tossed every possession she cared about in the closet, including her beloved vintage dress that was once worn by Audrey Hepburn. It was the only hand-me-down she had ever taken and she treasured it. She had used the duct tape to make a giant 'x' over the closet and wrote on a piece of paper; "touch anything inside, and your future shall be bleak'. She turned to me and with a frown on her pixie-like face said 'This will not and well.'  
A scream shook me from my daze. It seemed Jasper had already begun. The scream had come surprisingly enough from Carlisle's room. I sped to his office and was shocked to see what my usually-composed 'twin' brother was doing. For his first prank, Jasper thought it'd be fun to rummage through Carl's emergency medical bag, find syringes, and play darts with them in a large target he had painted on the wall- with Carlisle fastened to the center. The syringes simply bent and bounced off Carlisle's body whenever one hit him, of course, but he still wasn't enjoying the 'game'. Jasper saw me standing by the door and aimed a syringe at me. I just rolled my eyes and turned to walk away. Right when I was about to turn down the stairs at the end of the hall, I felt something ruffle and whoosh past my hair, then saw the syringe plunge dead center into a portrait of Emmett. I turned to give him a glare, but knew what he had meant. It was his way of declaring himself, as Emmett would put it- 'the alabaster joke master'.

Well, I'm going to give the old 'to be continued' line right about now. I'm going shopping with Alice- and its fun leaving you in suspense. But don't fret, I shall write more soon.

Yours truly,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale


	5. In the Doghouse

Dearest Diary,

In continuation to my story-  
I was sitting in my room, brushing down the hair Jasper ruffled with that stupid syringe when I heard a loud cracking sound. The house trembled a bit and there was a thud. I was guessing Jasper had finally grew tired of using Carlisle as a human- well, inhuman- dartboard and Carlisle was able to break free from the chains my brother had used to secure him to the wall.  
I got up and started to make my way downstairs to comfort Esme- I knew she had probably already seen what happened and she hated it when her architectural jobs were destroyed. I made my walk into a run when hammering interrupted my thoughts. When I finally reached the kitchen, I saw Esme sitting in the corner- looking as if she would cry if she could. Jasper had torn apart her dining room table and made it into…well, something that would've been thoughtful if it wasn't so insulting.  
"Voila!" Jasper shouted with a huge grin on his face, "a doghouse!"  
I just stared at him.  
He recognized the mixture of confusion and disgust on my face and then finally said "It's for the dog when he comes to visit. We can put it outside and he can stay in it instead of stinking up our house."  
He still had a wide smile on as he smugly patted the extra-spacious 'canine crib' as Emmett had referred to doghouses once before.  
He was actually proud of what he'd done. I couldn't believe it.  
I was finally able to tear my glaring eyes away from my brother and move towards Esme. I helped her up and promised to travel with her anywhere she wanted to go to look for the perfect antique replacement table, and I think that made her feel the tiniest bit better. She loved outings with her 'children' and wouldn't pass up a chance at one.  
Meanwhile, Jasper had taken the doghouse across the river towards Edward and Bella's cottage and placed it under a shady tree that faced downwind. I saw him disappear for a second, then return to the dog house and place something next to it. I looked closer and realized it was the mixing bowl I had folded and bent into the shape of a dog bowl and inscribed the word 'Fido' on. I almost laughed.  
I saw Bella look out the window and immediately notice the large wooden house that now stood by hers. She knew what it was for and her face contorted into an angry expression. I heard Edward start to say 'now Bella…', but it was too late. Bella had already come outside to give Jasper a scolding. He stood to listen for less than a millisecond before I saw him take off again past their cottage and towards the baseball field- presumably to concoct his next big scheme.

Ugh, I'm tired of writing, and I believe a little more suspense will do all of you some good. I shall write more soon.

Yours truly,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale


	6. Flying

My apologies for not writing sooner. Alice and I had decided to go to Milan for a bit to enjoy the season and the exquisite shopping- especially since the holidays are coming up. We enjoyed it a little too much I'm afraid, and have spent an absolute fortune on presents for the family. I can't say what I got anyone just yet because of course, I have a brother who can read minds (it's hard enough to keep anything to myself as it is), and an extra-snoopy Christmas present-loving husband. I'm sure he's started looking already, but he won't find them. Alice and I have already wrapped and hidden everything away in a place we know no one would ever look. We've been very careful to make sure Edward hasn't 'heard' anything about their location, but if he has, I know he'd think better than to spoil the surprises for everyone else.

Alright, I believe have a story to continue about Jasper's 'shenanigans'.

Edward and Bella had left Renesmee with Esme and I while they went out for a hunt and a 'romantic treetop sunset watch'. Ugh. Honestly, they look like stupid, flea ridden monkeys when they do that. It's ridiculous, and I wouldn't be caught dea…well, I just wouldn't be caught doing it.

Esme was in the kitchen arranging some flowers in a vase and Alice was in her room listening to some new online music station she discovered. Carlisle was in his study and I was sitting on the living room sofa with my perfect little niece, watching some show where some elderly man teaches his viewers how to paint.

"Rosalie," Esme called, "could you come in here and help me find another vase? This one is cracked."

I rolled my eyes and got up.

"Now, don't you go anywhere, you hear?" I said to Nessie with a little wag of my index finger.

Nessie gave a nod, never taking her eyes off of the television screen. That little girl was absolutely incredible. She never ceased to fascinate me with her hunger for knowledge. I made a mental not to buy her some art supplies when I was out next.

I went to the kitchen towards the cabinet where Esme kept a large variety of vases. I suddenly felt my hair ruffle by a breeze and immediately stiffened and turned. Esme twisted towards me, eyes wide and I ran towards the window. Jasper was running over the baseball field with Nessie and a boom box in tow. I sighed, exasperated with all the mischief Jasper was causing. Alice had already rushed down the stairs and stood to my side, muttering something to herself. Esme and Carl joined us as we flew out the door towards the baseball field.

We arrived to see Nessie, a microphone in her hand, and Jasper with the boom box held over his head like John Cusack in 'Say Anything'. He had a big smile that stretched across his face, so I knew this was going to be bad. Almost immediately, Edward, with Bella on his back, came flying down from one tall tree and landed on the branch of another. Jasper spotted them, gave Nessie a nudge and turned on the boom box to reveal a funny rap beat- background music to a song I knew, but couldn't quite place.

"Now remember what I taught you!" Jasper said to Nessie.

Nessie nodded confidently.

Edward and Bella came down a little closer and at the exact time Edward had leapt from one tree in an attempt to fly to another, Nessie screamed;

"Wooooo, daddy, super man that hoe!"

Loud noises sounded as Esme covered her gaping mouth and Alice slapped her hands over her face. Carlisle slowly placed his thumb and index finger to the bridge of his nose. I instantly grew angry and crossed my arms. Edward had completely lost thought mid-air and tumbled to a branch below with Bella still on his back.

By the time I blinked twice, they were standing in the front of Jasper- a hiss coming through both pairs of teeth. Jasper simply smiled and let out a chuckle. I started to feel a little calmer about my niece being subjected to use of profanity and I knew what was going on.

"Jasper!" scolded Alice, "How could you! That's just horrible, and so not like you."

"But it was funny!" he exclaimed.

He looked at me-

"…oh come on, you know Emmett would have been rolling around on the ground laughing."

I rolled my eyes because I knew it was true. Jasper learned things like this from my husband, and Emmett had taught him well.

Bella angrily snatched up Nessie (gold chains, and all), and stormed towards the house. Edward hesitated for a moment, still giving Jasper a glare that would kill if we weren't already dead. He hissed one more time then ran to catch up with Bella.

I could tell Carlisle, Alice, and especially Esme were all disappointed in my 'twin'. But Jasper had now known the feeling that came along with being like Emmett, and his mission was now to prove he could be a master jokester too. Maybe even a better one than Emmett.

I expected my husband to be home from hunting soon. He'd gone off further than usual to go to a place that was even more populated with his favorite meal; Grizzly bear. I would almost be relieved to have his silly little high jinks around again. Jasper was getting way out of hand. And I actually missed my quiet, calm, 'twin' sibling.

After thinking about everything he'd done to our family so far, I stiffened. There were only two people he hadn't messed with yet; Alice and me. But his wife and 'twin' sister where not the right people to mess with and I'd have thought he'd be smart enough to keep away. But pranking us would be golden, and he wanted that master title.

Always,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale

P.S. If I don't write another entry in the next 2 weeks because of the time of the year, I want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas, happy holidays, and an especially jubilant new year.


	7. Orange Is The New Rosalie

Dearest,

As you may already know from Edward's last blog, Emmett and I are in the process of planning our 7th…8th…12th wedding, and I'm really excited because this one will take place in Greece. Carlisle knows some people who are willing to let us use the Parthenon as a backdrop. Emmett is pushing me to agree that we should have the ceremony at the Coliseum. But the only reason he wants to use it is so he can ride in like a Greek warrior on a chariot, and his rational is that I could be his Goddess. What an imagination my husband has.

But I shall go more into detail about all these future plans later so I can finally finish up this story about Jasper's crusade.

Edward and Bella were still completely fuming over Jasper's little prank. He had put filth in poor Renesmee's mouth and her parents didn't appreciate it the least bit. It took hours, but finally after breaking a few boulders and running some laps to Seattle and back here to Forks, Edward calmed down.

I noticed that Jasper had once again disappeared and figured I should start keeping an eye out since I knew Alice and I were next on his hit list. I went up to her room and Alice told me about all the possibilities that where swimming through Jasper's head.

"At first he was thinking about switching out your shampoo with mayonnaise," Alice explained, "but now he's contemplating painting all the mirrors black just to make you extra mad."

I sat there thinking about what Alice was telling me and wondered- did my brother really think I was THAT shallow? Thinking that painting over mirrors so I couldn't see my reflection would make me so heated. Just the idea of it alone irritated me. (Besides, what's to stop me from just buying new ones?)

"Agh!" Alice snorted, "Everything just went black. He's trying to block me out."

Thumping in the garage interrupted my thoughts and Alice and I shot down the stairs and to the door. Alice pushed the button that lifted the four large doors and I sighed when I saw what was in front of us.

I had forgotten that for whatever reason, Emmett had decided to order cases of Jell-O. And not just 2 or 3 cases, oh no. Our entire garage was completely filled from floor to ceiling with crates of Grape, Strawberry, Orange, Kiwi, Cherry, and other miscellaneous flavors of Jell-O that had long since been discontinued. We usually kept all of our cars in the garage, but we had been driving them all lately except for Edward's Aston Martin, so that was parked in the middle of the Grape Jell-O section.

At first glance, all the cases seemed to still be there, but when Alice and I walked as far into the garage as we could, we noticed a giant hole in the Orange section of the Jell-O wall. I groaned as I thought about what Jasper could possibly be thinking of; but we didn't have to wait too long to find out.

Alice and I climbed through the opening and into a sort of closed-off hole that Jasper had made and my eyes instantly turned red with rage. He had used that orange gooey junk to form a pool, and molded in the very center, was the wedding ring that Emmett had first proposed to me with. Alice threw me a cautious glance to see how I was doing and I bet she could tell that if steam could be coming out of my ears, I'd look like a choo-choo train.

"Jerk," was all I could mutter before I kicked off my shoes and dived head-first into the disgusting orange lake.

I waded through the stickiness towards the center of the pool and spotted the ring, and groaned because in order to reach it, I had to go back under the goo. I finally felt the edge of the smooth underside of the ring, grabbed it, and kicked to turn myself back upwards. But in doing so, I felt something else underneath me. I reached back down under me and grabbed something that felt like it would be cloth had it not been covered in slime.

I grabbed onto the edge of one of the crates that acted as a wall to the pool and Alice helped me out.

"Oh goodness," she sighed. "He's really in for it isn't he?" I just stared and gave her a 'no kidding' kind of look.

We heard a chuckle come out from the outside of the garage and Alice and I climbed out to find Jasper standing in the driveway with his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle a laugh. Alice flitted over to him and slapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"Jasper! This has really gone far enough," Alice said firmly, "I must insist that you stop."

Jasper rolled his eyes and muttered out a "fine."

"Fine, fine," he said, "it was fun while it lasted."

He gave me another look over and chuckled. "You look good in orange, Rose."

I sneered and hissed at him and was about to go back into the house when I heard a car horn.

Emmett pulled into the driveway, finally back from his hunting trip. He jumped out of his Jeep and came running to me like a 5 year old.

"Rosie!" he yelled, "I'm back! It's; nananananananana Em-mett!" He sung his own version of the Batman theme song as he ran towards me, arms held out as if he were a child trying to fly. It was his favorite way to greet anyone and quite frankly, it embarrassed me. Still, it was one of the many reasons why I loved him.

But I really had a reason to be embarrassed now because he was so happy to see me, he failed to notice the fact that my skin and clothes sported a color that resembled the Oompa-Loompas.

He stopped about an inch away from me and sniffed at the air.

"Ugh, Rose. No offense, but you smell disgusting. What is…..IS THAT MY JELL-O?!" he looked around at us. "HAS SOMEONE BEEN PLAYING SHENANIGANS? WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?" Emmett boomed.

"Yes, that's your stupid Jell-O" I said, "Jasper has taken it upon himself to pretend to be you for a day."

"Me?" Emmett asked as he looked at Jasper. "Why would you want to pretend to be me?"

"Because brother, you're great at all of these practical jokes, and you just look so happy when you perform them," Jasper explained, "I guess I just wanted to see what it was like."

Emmett scratched his head. "So you mean…this isn't all you did? There's more?"

Jasper smiled and led us into the house. He took Emmett on a tour, going through everything he had done. From showing him the holes in Carlisle's office wall, to Jacob's new doghouse, to even having Edward explain what he had Nessie do.

"I actually did one more thing," explained Jasper, "but according to Edward, you'll have to wait about 5 more minutes to see that one."

"Wow man, I have to say, I think this round goes to you," Emmett finally uttered.

Jasper smiled triumphantly and the two walked out of the living room doors towards the backyard, leaving Alice and I alone in the living room.

"Hey, Rose, wasn't there something else you pulled out of the Jell-O pool?" Alice asked.

"Um…" was all I could stammer. I had been hiding the item behind my back since I realized what it was.

"Well, come on, just show me," Alice insisted.

"Fine," I said, and brought out the item from behind me.

All I heard at that point was the most high-pitched scream I could ever imagine. But I didn't blame her. What she had considered to be her most valuable item had been wrongfully snatched and submerged in orange gunk.

Her Audrey Hepburn dress, the infamous black one worn by the celebrity in _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ was in Alice's hands, dripping carrot-colored slop.

Jasper had apparently heard her scream and took off running over towards the baseball field with Alice right on his heels. Emmett jogged back inside just as the rest of the family was gathering into the living room. All of us shook our heads in unison and sighed.

"Wow," said Carlisle, "I don't recall ever seeing Alice that ma…"

"Hellooooo Cullen family," Jacob interrupted Carlisle mid-sentence as he burst through our front door, "What's shakin'?"

We all turned toward him and I could feel my eyes practically bulge out of my head as I stared at his face. Emmett slapped a hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh.

Jasper's last prank was apparently played on Jacob. His face was all made up; red lipstick, fake eye lashes and all.

"What? Ya'll look like you've just seen one of those Volturi dudes, haha!" Jacob chuckled.

"Dude, I would so not be the one laughing if I were you," coughed out Emmett, still trying not to snicker.

Esme was kind enough to go grab the mirror off of the nearest wall and put it in front of Jacob's face.

"Oh. My…where's Jasper?" Jacob asked as all the blood rushed to his already blushed face. I could feel the heat radiating hotter off of his body.

Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Emmett, and I all pointed out the door towards the field and Jacob took off flying.

Emmett let his laugher roar as Jacob left the room and the rest of my family joined in with him. I allowed myself a small giggle just because of what my twin had done to that dog and then looked up at Emmett.

"Oh man," Emmett said as he gasped for air like a normal human would, "Jasper is totally the winner for now."

Let's just say that Jasper should be more scared of Alice right now than if he were a human facing a thirsty Maria again. But Alice isn't one to stay mad for long, so he'll be off the hook in no time. I, on the other hand, had to take 3 showers and wash my hair 12 times to get every single orange piece of gunk out of my hair. I also had to get my wedding ring professionally cleaned- which Jasper paid for.

Until next time.

Always,  
Rosalie Lillian Hale

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**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed, subscribed, favorited, and have been reading thus far. I REALLY appreciate all the lovely words of encouragement.  
I hope this chapter brings you a few laughs. :)**


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